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Jokes For Engineers
From Around The World
A smile a day keeps old age away...
"Will the last real RF/Microwave Engineer who walks off the stage, either he or she,
please turn out the lights?"
(There don't seem to be many of us left)
A smile a day keeps old age away...
"Will the last real RF/Microwave Engineer who walks off the stage, either he or she,
please turn out the lights?"
(There don't seem to be many of us left)
Note:
The mathematics in the "code" required to create the "bug" on this
page, that follows your mouse around, is almost as complex as that
required to design an amplifier using s-parameters.
<g> Don't believe it?
Want to VIEW the code?
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes in the USA !!
Question: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?An Engineer Dies
Mathematical Humor
Murphy's Law Application For Atigravitatory Cats
Proof that girls are EVIL !
The Woman Engineer VS. The Manager
All of Murphy's Laws
Do You Remember Those "Surprise" Math Class Quizzes?
Heat Expand Math2 Curve FindX Ramp
Civil Engineers must be VERY careful!
Fun Stuff For T-Shirts, Business Cards, or E-Mail Tag Lines
Optimist: The glass is HALF full.
Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty.
Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be!
Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.
MATH IS LIKE LOVE - A simple idea but it can get complicated.
53.7% of all statistics are made up.
NEVER, but NEVER question the Engineer's Judgement!
Scientists Dream - Engineers DO
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance!
Obey Gravity It's the LAW!
Eschew Obfuscation.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
The truly educated never graduate.
EXCESS is never too much in moderation.
The Human Resources Manager...
While not about an engineer, it could be. I'm sure ALL of us have experienced this in our careers?
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked
down by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates,
where St. Peter welcomed her.
"Before you get settled
in" he said, "We have a little problem...you
see, we're never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far
before and we're not really sure what to do with you." "Oh, I see," said
the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
see, we're never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far
before and we're not really sure what to do with you." "Oh, I see," said
the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to,"
said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you
have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then
you are to choose where
you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd
prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we
have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into
The downward bound elevator.
The downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in
hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a
country club; around her were many friends...
past fellow executives,
all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed
her on both cheeks, and they talked about old
times. They played a
perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the
country club where
she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil,
(who was actually a rather nice guy), and
she had a
wonderful night telling
jokes and dancing.
Before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she
stepped into the elevator. The elevator went
back
up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to
spend a day in heaven," he said.
spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she
spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing
the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in
hell. At the day's end St. Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a
day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between
the two."
the harp and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in
hell. At the day's end St. Peter returned. "So," he said, "You've spent a
day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between
the two."
The woman thought for a
second and replied, "Well, heaven is
certainly
lovely, but I actually
had a better time in hell". "I choose hell."
Accordingly,
St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went
back down to hell.
back down to hell.
When the doors of the
elevator opened she found herself standing in
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The
Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf
course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a
wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The
Devil approached and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf
course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a
wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil simply looked
at her and smiled,
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"Yesterday we were
recruiting you, today you're staff."
The Bicycle...
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said: "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A Way Of Thinking...
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Right To The Point...
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Knowing Where To Put It...
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. They got it - the engineer, with a chuckle, and a wry grin, sent them this:
One chalk mark $ 1.
Knowing where to put it $ 49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Ha Ha...
Question: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Answer: Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
So True!...
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
A Great Mind...
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Very Clever...
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both???" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
Single Minded...
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
St. Peter At The Gate...
One day, three men - a Lawyer, a Doctor, & an Engineer - appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
First, the Lawyer, with confidence and assurance, proceeded to deliver an eloquent address which left St. Peter dazed and bewildered, Before the venerable St. Peter could recover, the Lawyer quickly handed him a writ of mandamus, pushed him aside & strode through the open portals.
Next came the Doctor. With dignified bearing, he introduced himself as Dr. Brown. St. Peter received him cordially. "I feel I know you, Dr. Brown. Many who have preceeded you said that you sent them here. Welcome to our City."
The Engineer, modest and diffident, had been standing in the background. He now stepped forward. "I am looking for a job," he said. St. Peter wearily shook his hand. "I am sorry" he replied; "we have no work here for you. If you want a job, you can go to Hell."
This response sounded familiar to the Engineer. "Very well." He said. "I am always glad to go where there is a tough job to tackle." Whereupon he departed.
Strange reports soon began to reach St. Peter. The Celestial denizens, who once had amused themselves by looking down upon the creatures in the inferno, began asking for transfers to that other domain. Many new arrivals to heaven, after seeing both places, selected the Nether Region for their permanent abode. Puzzled. St. Peter sent a messenger to vsit Hell and to report back to him.
"That Engineer you sent down there," reported the messenger, "has completely transformed the place. He has harnessed the Fiery Furnaces for light and power. He has cooled the entire place with artificial refrigeration. He has drained the Lakes of Brimstone and has filled the air with cool perfumed breezes. He has flung bridges across the Bottomless Abyss and has bored tunnels through the Obsidian Cliffs. He has created paved streets, gardens, parks & playgrounds, lakes & rivers, and beautiful waterfalls. That Engineer you sent down there has gone through Hell and has made it a real realm of happiness, peace, & industry!"
Engineer jokes are fun! Please e-mail us yours, and we will add them here, O.K.?